As says the title I am currently in a two year dry season and starting to really get tired of masturbating. I've tried tinder pof fetlife and adult friend finder to try and find someone to have a fwb relationship but I've run into only sex workers/bots when trying those apps. On fetlife I can't find anyone close enough willing to regularly hangout and hookup and get zero to no comments on my posts in groups for where I lay out what I'm looking for. The other site pushes you so hard to buy the premium membership and allows zero way to properly communicate with people interested in you besides chatrooms. Is there any other places I can try?
Static starts. THE MYSTERIOUS MAN is alone in a control room that looks like a sci-fi server room from the 1980s. He speaks into a similarly teched-out microphone.
MYSTERIOUS MAN: The following podcast is not real. If it were real, it would most certainly not be dictated by a script written by a fan. Enjoy the show.
Static interrupts the feed and changes the view. MUNDEL THE GRUNDEL starts the musical intro, some bar noises heard in the background. Patrons move around the Vermillion Minotaur as the shot pans to that very table where the human from another world, ARNIE, the shapeshifter, CHUNT, and USIDORE, the Blue Wizard, drink and do their podcast.
ARNIE: Hello from the Magic Tavern!
A(CONT): A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I’m your host, Arnie Niekamp. If you never listened to the podcast before, don’t worry, this one is inconsequential. About… insert time frame here, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King, in Chicago, into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I’m still getting a slight Wi-fi signal from the Burger King, through the dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermillion Minotaur, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of Foon! And I’m-
USIDORE: What do you mean “inconsequential”?
A:(stammers) I-I’m-just saying-
U: Everything we do is VERY CONSEQUENTIAL!!!
A:(sighs) And I’m joined, as always, by my co-host, my bud, and my boon companion-You know, I haven’t called you guys my boon companions in a while-Usidore the Wizard.
U: I AM USIDORE! Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephysiyies, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos-
U:-CHAMPION OF THE GREAT HALLS OF TERR'AKKAS! The elves know me as Fi’ang Yalok.-
A: Feline Zelig
U: The dwarfs know me as Zoenen Hoogstandjes-
U: Shut up. And I am also known in the Northeast as Gaismunēnas Meista-
A: Glass anus.
U:(glares) And there may be other secret names that you do not know about. Aye, names so powerfully, so profound and unimaginable, that if you even utter the words underneath your breath, if that wind passes your lips, it would cause a fervor of murderous emotions within the female populations, destroying all the homes and villages within the surrounding area until it concludes in an orgasmic raging scream. Usually lasting 5-7 days with the last days being much lighter.
U: Oh yes, it has happened once before in the tourist town of Cancon. A man found out my name and etched the whole endeavor.
A: That sounds really creepy.
U: It was more dangerous than creepy. It’s not the best to be that close when those Girls Go Wild.
A: I just hope their covering themselves up with a Red Tube, at minimum.
U: Impossible! A Red Tube would be much too small. Also, why would you put these women in a Red Tube? Seems rather impractical to have a singular item to protect them from the elements. But I am not one to judge. Unlike you, Arnold. Hashtag FREE THE NIPPLE!
CHUNT: Hey, are we talking about emails already? I got a new Bangin’ Buds story a fan sent!
A:-oh, and I’m also joined by my other co-host, Chunt, the talking badger!
C: Awww yeah baybee!
A: How are you doing, buddy?
C: Doing pretty good. I met up with a friend, Mrs. Puff. She is a puffer fish.
A: Mrs. Puff?
C: Yup, Mrs. Puff.
U: Oh, how is the Mrs.?
A: Wait, not with Mr. Puff too?
C: No, she’s a widower.
U: Yes, don’t be insensitive, Arnold.
C: So, I was hangout with Mrs. Puff. She’s a sweet little lady with a little blue hat that teaches a carting school. But she’s been a little lonely lately. Coming at me pretty hard. But as a gentle-badger, I kept my boundaries and told her I didn’t want to take advantage of her grief.
A: That’s nice, I guess.
C: Yeah, but she got really mad and made a face about it when I left. Really glad I didn’t stay. Could you imagine? Seeing me as a Huffled Puff?
A: Wh-Was the story really trying to lead up to that?
C: What do you mean? I just don’t see myself as a Huffeld Puff. Although, I think I would probably look adorable in a black and yellow tie.
U: I hear Huffeld Puffs are great finders.
A: Well as long as you don’t end up like Cedric Digory.
U & C: Who?
A: It-uh-it’s a guy on Earth that turned into a vampire. And then made a series of subpar movies. Maybe one good one snuck in.
C: I didn’t know they had vampires on Earth. He should come to Chunt for Red October and we can do an interview with him about what it likes to be a vampire on Earth. You know, make him feel at home.
A: Well I hear he hates it.
U: I would too if I were him, but then I Remember Me.
C: It would suck to be The Devil All the Time.
A: I don’t think I’m supposed to know that reference.
C: What reference? He’s your Earth person.
U:(Whispers to Chunt) I always wonder if Arnold has even a small Light in that House, if you know what I mean.
A: It’s Arnie.
U: Now, correct me if I was wrong, I thought you have told us that you world was devoid of magic and magical beings.
A: There aren’t any.
C: What about those Gatherings on Earth?
A: There’s nothing actually magical about it. It’s more fun at first, then gets really sad when you spend all your money and potential on the cards and forces you to move into your mother’s basement.
U: Ah, so there are magic cards in your world.
A: I could’ve sworn I told you about this before.
U: Arnie, you tell us a lot of stories we only halfheartedly listen too.
C: Sometimes zero-heartedly.
C: Hey Arnie?
C: You’re my best friend.
A: You’re MY best friend.
A(CONT): Oh! And Usidore?(Usidore perks up.) I like you a lot.
U:(smug) Oh, why thank you!
A:(pauses) So you’re not gonnna-know what, nevermind. Hey guys, I actually don’t have any guests invited to the podcast today. I thought we would have a classic Boys’ Night!
U: Wonderful! It has been so long since we had a Boys’ Night here, in the Vermillion Minotaur. Let us start at once!
C: Mmmmm Boys’ Night!
A: Boys’ Night!
U: BOYS NIGHT!
C: Bing Bong!
Arnie, Chunt, and Usidore start to mumble to themselves about what to do during Boys Night. A HEAD GHOST starts approaching the table.
HEAD GHOST(OS): Hello?
C: Hey-Hey guys! Check it out.
A: Is that a ghost?
C: It is! It’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
HG: Yeah, nice read, Velma. Just kidding, I stole that from Archer. You’re Arnie Niekamp, right?
A: Uh, yeah. Do you know me?
HG: Of Course. I know all of you. I’m actually a new fan of Hello from the Magic Tavern.
HG(CONT) : Awww. Thanks, Mundel; you’re a sweetheart.
Mundel plays vibraslap.
A: Oh, we already did a fan episode, sorry.
CHEST TRÜNKBORN pops up from underneath.
CHEST: Maybe even two if you count when the Cockticklers came to research their play.
HG: Are you even available to talk today?
Chest pops back down under the table.
A: Hey, we don’t normally have guest asking to be on the show-
HG: I didn’t ask.
A: Okay then. Goodbye.
HG: NO NO NO! Sorry, I have really important questions for you guys. I wanna be on.(pouts) Please.
A: Well, sure. Welcome to the podcast!
U: Yes, thank you for ruining Boys’ Night.
C:(somberly) Aww Boys’ Night…
HG: Oh, Chu chu…sorry.
A: So, um, ghost, come up to the mic and tell us a little more about yourself.
HG:(exhales) Okay! Well, my name is Metabeth-
METABETH: Yeah, Metabeth.
U: Sounds about right.
A: Don’t you mean “Meredith”?
C: Arnie, are you man-plaining her own name? She clearly said Metabeth.
A: Well I didn’t mean it like that! It’s doesn’t sound like a name-I mean doesn’t sounds like a name I expected to hear.
M: As opposed to Arnie Niekamp? Doesn’t even have the word “Knee” in it.
U: Ha HA! Good one! Arnold, you might as well be walking on stubs since you have no knees.
M: No knees? No toes?
C: But he does own elbows.
M: So he can’t be nubs.
C: It helps that he’s not totally rad.
M: It would be fun to call him nubs.
A: Now who’s being insensitive?
M: Hey, that song is pretty body positive. And apparently based on a real person.
M: According to Reddit and Wikipedia, yeah. But who believes all the trivia nerds say on the internet? So yeah, my name is Metabeth. It’s Greek.
A: Wh-what? Like Greece?
M: Yeah, I’m from Earth, too.
U: Oh, really?
C: So, you can tell me what’s a Danny DeVito is and why everyone on Earth wants him to be a pi-ka-chu?
M: Dude, that’s reference is, like, two years old. What brought that up? Oh wait, first, he’s a short, grumpy, loveable old man that would be adorable to play an anime mouse.
C: So if Arnie and Usidore’s love child got lil’ squished.
Chunt uses his hands to show a compressing motion.
U: And what’s an anime?
A: Guys, hold up. She just said she’s from Earth. How did you get here? And why are you a ghost then?
M: Oh, well, about two weeks ago I traveled to Chicago and entered the front door of a Burger King-
C: Who phrases it like that?
M:-I was heading back to my car to go back to my friend’s place when I dropped my phone through a dimensional rift in the parking lot. Not sure if it was the same one as yours, but the size of the portal was fluctuating. I debated how far I wanted to go to get my phone. Started with a finger to slip through the hole, then when I felt I was ready, I put a second one in, wiggling it around until I could feel it.
U: So your phone was on a spot on the ground in Foon, a ground spot or g-spot, if you will.
M: Sure. The portal opened up enough so I could actually see my phone, but it was further away than I thought-
A: Oh, no.
M: Yeah, you’re catching on. By the time I was at a length to reach my phone. Bloop. Dead. My head and arm were on this side of the portal and the rest of my body is at that Burger King.
A: Wow, I am so sorry that happened to you.
U: I’m not. You got a good deal on a beheading. Why, here in Foon it would cost you an arm and a leg.
M: Well my arm is somewhere by the portal entrance if the asshole who closed the portal wants it. The morgue on Earth probably has the rest.
A: And you’ve been here for two weeks?
M: Yup! Two weeks.
A: What have you been doing with your time?
M: Well the first week I have been lying on the ground, sobbing uncontrollably about my death. Tried to hit myself with my own arm to numb the pain.
U: Your arm on this side?
M: No, my ghost arm. I don’t know how ghost work on Foon, but my head got a ghost and my arm got a ghost.
A:(turns to Usidore) Usidore, is that really how it works?
U: Oh yes. Remember Snaken Freshgrave? His foot is a ghost.
C: I think his foot is only part ghost, so everybody would have to cut the Foot Loose to make it a full ghost.
U: That’s right! Let us Hear It for the Boy.
C: Eyyy let’s hear it for my baybee.
A: Hey, stop Holding Out for a Hero.
M: Why bring up Shrek 2? It was subpar compared to the original.
A: That’s in Shrek 2? They made a Shrek 2?
M: Yeah, when I was like ten. You probably know it, right?
A: How old do you think I am?
Metabeth pauses almost ready to count but does not trust that any answer is right.
M: Hmm…that’s a trap.
Arnie looks incredulous. He turns to his co-host, hoping to find some sort of meaning in this response, but they provide no such insight.
M(CONT) : Anyway, this past week I’ve learned that Foon is real and I wanted to find you guys. When I found you guys the first time, it seem like you just finished your podcast and I didn’t want to stalk you for a week, so I’ve been trying to learn how to be a floating head.
A: So you’ve been waiting so you can get your chance to be on the podcast? I don’t know if I should be grateful or weirded out by this. You, kind of, effectively stalked us anyway so you could be on the show.
M: I guess. It’s a little of a “Notice me Sempai” moment for me.
A: A what?
M: “Notice me Sempai”? Like finding your heroes and getting them to recognize you. It’s like a weeb version of that.
C: Arnie, what’s a weeb?
A: What? I don’t know.
A: It’s Arnie.
U:-You are supposed to be our guide, our liaison, to the other world that you’ve come from. How can you claim that you don’t know these basic terminologies?
A: Well it could be slang from her generation. I’ve been gone for years now.
M: I guess it could be more slang that not slang. I just chalk it up to me being weird. I feel like I’m being a damper to all this. Maybe I’ll just go.
Metabeth turns away sadly. Arnie starts to jump out of their seats to reach out to the ghost. He does not actually leave his seats, just enough the bend their knees a little so the chairs make a scrapping noise.
A: No, you’re fine! You can stay!
C: See what you did Arnie, you hurt her feelings.
U: There, There, sad Metabeth. Would it ease your pain to hurt Arnie with your words like he has hurt you with his?
C: Or try to hit him with your ghost arm?
M: I can’t. My arm kind of just does what it wants these days. Hey, if I can’t control my arm and it acts on its own, does it really belong to me? Is it still me? Whoa. Philosophical questions, man.
C: A real Existentialism on Prom Night.
U: I suppose there would not be any relations if the arm has sentient and independent of use. Perhaps if we can find this phantom limb, we can see if it responds to our questions without your assistance.
M: Sounds easier than hitting myself with my own skull.
A: That doesn’t seem physically possible.
M: Well I am a ghost and that reference was just for me. So, I think that’s a great place to start. Find ghost arm and you guys can teach me how to ghost!
A: But we’re not ghosts. Wouldn’t it be easier to find other ghosts to help you? Chunt, isn’t your dad a hunger ghost?
C: EW I’m not trying to set up my dad with someone else.(turns to Metabeth to solely talk to her) Um, by the way, he’s a really nice guy and very funny.
M:(to Chunt) Oh I’ve heard. Not sure if I’m ready to date other ghosts yet, though. So, um, thank you?
C: But hey, this seems like a good opportunity for us. It’s been a while we’ve been on a real quest.
U: We’re always on a quest TO DEFEAT THE DARK LORD!
C: I’m just saying, we don’t have much going on in the immediate future. Arnie even said that we didn’t have guest today. We could head out, leave the tavern, and find Metabeth’s arm.
A: You lost me on leaving the tavern.
C: You lazy shit.
A: Chunt!...(exhales)…You’re a good friend.
C: You’re a good friend.
M: Um, can we still put a pin on finding my arm or my arm ghost?
A: Oh yeah sure.
Arnie pulls out a pen and paper starts to scribble down on a piece of paper.
A(CONT):(mumbles) Find Metabeth’s dead arm.
M: Oh, and ghost arm.
A:(mumbles)...and ghost arm.
U: I wouldn’t put too much faith in finding her physical arm. It has been two weeks after all.
C: Usidore! Now you hurt her feelings.
Chunt now pulls out a pen and paper and starts to scribble.
C(CONT): Now I have to put your name down for who Metabeth has to hit with her arm. Arnie…. Usidore….
M: But you guys will help me find my ghost arm, right?
Arnie, Chunt and Usidore give wearily looks and reluctantly agree.
M(CONT) : …You didn’t actually write it down, did you?
A: It’s on the list!
C:(sarcastically) Yeah, right above defeating the Dark Lord.
Arnie, glares at Chunt.
A: It’s. On. The. List. And guys, I got a system on the best way to get all these tasks done. Every item is important.
U: Of Course, of course. We will most certainly aid you on your quest. We will always help those who need it because it is good. And I am devoted to defeat evil. FOR I AM USIDORE THE BLUE! And I swear on the conspiracy of wind, fire, earth, and birds, and lightning, and rocks, and frogs, and mud from which I was born from, FULL FORMED AND STARK NAKED, to be champion of Foon and return your missing limbs to you because that is what was right and just in this land!
M : It’s really only one arm.
A: Why are you focused on just finding your arm here? Wouldn’t you want to return to Earth where the rest of you and your family is?
C: Weird to hear that come out of your mouth.
M: You see…I never really believed in ghost until I became one. I guess I’m a little scared that if I go back to Earth, I may not exist. I mean the portal was still open when I died and I didn’t see my body produce a ghost.
C: ARNIE! The portal is still open, you can return home!
M: Oh no, it’s gone now. At least I didn’t see it open while I was crying on the ground. Such an ugly cry.
A: Well you probably couldn’t see through the tears in your eye.
M: So, yeah, no, the portal is gone. And I still don’t know if ghosts exist on Earth.
C: Yeah, I would hate if you broke the show with that revelation. UGH.
A: I love to return to Earth to-
C: No no no no, I just remembered I described your and Usidore’s love child and I threw up in my mouth.
A and U: What?
M: It was a bit and a half ago. Eyy the power of editing.
A: So, Metabeth, can I call you Beth?
A: So, Metabeth, it seems like you’ve learned a few ghost tricks like floating in the short time you’ve been here in Foon. That’s pretty impressive, even if you’re just a floating head.
M: Yeah. It did take some time. I rolled around a lot. Got some dirt and shit up my noncorporeal head. So, the transparency was nice. Once I learned how to float, the world did open up more.
A: Have you been traveling a lot then?
M: Uhhh kinda. I was a little lost when I first came out. And no one could fucking see me for a while since I haven’t learned how to be visible yet.
U: You should see Germ then. She’s a makeup artist that can highlight ghosts.
M: Is she still alive? I’m not caught up yet.
U: Then I won’t ruin it for you.
M: Might’ve helped. I was kicked in the face a whole lot. I wanted to ask around for directions and actually learn where I was.
A: Then how did you know that this was Foon?
M: Mostly assumption. Travelers love to say “Here in the land of Foon”.
U: Ah, yes. People here in the land of Foon are known to say that thing.
M: I’m still 70/30 that this is all a dream of my dying mind though.
C: That’s very M. Night of you.
A: What’s M. Night here in the land of Foon?
C: It’s between L. Nights and N. Nights where everything ends is a twist. At first it was amazing, but now its predictable.
M: It’s a whole Shama Lama Ding Dong.
A: I had a dream that I was Delta at a toga party.
A: Shit, are you too young for that reference?
Everyone gives a puzzled look to Arnie.
Metabeth hesitates, then blows raspberries.
A(CONT): Oh god…
Arnie puts his hands on his face in depression. Chunt and Usidore holds off giving a similar aged face but are still relieved that they are not as old as Arnie is in comparison.
C: Metabeth, let’s get to know a little more about you. How old are you?
M: I’m mid 20s.
Arnie slumps lower into his chair in sadness.
M(CONT): I’m actually a little curious about you though, Chunt. You said your age fluctuate with the shapeshifting, but how old are you actually? You were born in a Foon year, how many Foon years ago was that?
C: I rather not kiss and tell.
M: I don’t think that’s how that phrase works?
C: Are you sure?
M: Pretty sure.
C: Well it might be different on Earth than it is in Foon.
M: So what’s “kiss and tell” on Foon?
U: “Kiss and Tell” is when two being, man, woman, child-
A: Don’t say child.
U:-rock, bird, elf, etcetera agree on when they were blessed by the kiss of life. Then they tell people about it.
A: So you need two people to determine an age?
U: Don’t you need two people on Earth to determine the age? At the very least it can be between the person who was asked and a complete stranger.
M: That does make sense, I guess. And not that far off from Earth “Kiss and Tell”.
C: So what’s Earth’s “Kiss and Tell”?
A: Don’t bother with more Earth stuff Metabeth.
M, C, and U: Aww….
A: Oh fine, you can talk about Earth stuff if you want.
C: Awesome! So, Metabeth, what’s “Kiss and Tell”?
M: Ehhh…I don’t wanna talk about Earth stuff right now.
M: Nah just kidding. I always wanted to say that. It’s like your “Kiss and Tell” but more actually kissing than telling.
M: Oh, I suddenly regret the phrasing of that statement. Can I explain it again?
U: No. It’s too late. You already said it.
M: God dammit.
A: Alright let’s take a quick break-
M: Really? You want to put in your sponsor after that mess of an explanation. It just included children in kissing and telling.
The group talks at the same time.
A: Well now I can’t shift it over like that. We’ll lose our sponsorship.
U: Dear Listeners of the podcast, the opinions of our guests do not reflect the opinions of the hosts.
M: So, I get a redo?
A, C, and U: No!
C: It’s funnier this way, trust us.
M: Are you sure? It mostly feels like a One Person Amateur Hour? Like you think you’re being funny but it’s really jokes you’re writing to yourself?
A: It doesn’t have to be funny.
U: Maybe your jokes are just overtly meta.
A: Okay, now should be a good time take that break.
C: I’m going to grab a drink from the bar. You guys want anything?
U: I shall take an ale, of course. Why thank you, Chunt.
A: I’m feeling a little bloated-
A: …I’m good with water.
M: OH! I can finally try a rainbow bowl! No hallucinogens though. Does not work well with me.
A: But ghost can’t eat anything, right?
M: Really? Fuck.
U: Haven’t you noticed that you weren’t hungry during the last two weeks? That you didn’t eat or drink anything or felt the need?
M: Well, once again, that first week is a little of a mulligan. So what things…can I have at the bar?
C: Well you don’t have to get anything.
U: I believe that during the Dark Lord’s reign over Hogsface, there may be a stash of tingle in the back. If you consume it, the that should protect the mere mortals of the tavern and take the power away from the forces of evil.
M: And what would that do to me?
U: You should be more ghostly and see your brain.
M: Would you guys still be able to see me?
U: I’m pretty sure.
M: Then I will try that!
C: Well Usidore, that will on your tab then.
A: Okay let’s take a break for real.
The scene changes and Mundel plays the sponsor theme. A spotlight shines on a single vendor, PODLEY, in fairly peasant garb ready to talk.
PODLEY: Hello, my name is Podley. I am a temporary work for my company until I pay back my master, which is a large sum. I am here to offer the services of me and my compatriots for several odd end jobs. So, if you have been having trouble paying close attention to details or difficult tasks, constantly lose things, and cannot perform structured tasks, come find us with RIDALIMB. With RIDALIMB, you can get the assistance you need with simple task like finding your way home, locating your child, remembering you have a child, cooking food without leaving the fire on for too long. We understand that even easy tasks are hard. We’re in Foon; living is hard. So, hire us. My family is in desperate need for food. Our master asked paid for this advertisement in hopes to make up for my incompetence. If you don’t hire me or any of my peers, my master will get rid of one of our limbs in order to offset the debt. Ask my master if RIDALIMB is the right choice for you. But I hope it is, and I hope it’s me.
The music stops and the scene rolls back to the Vermillion Minotaur. Arnie, Chunt, and Usidore are back at the table with their drinks while Metabeth is floating around and rolling in the air.
A: And we’re back. I hope everyone had a good break.
M:(still rolling) WooOOOooo
U: Do not worry. I will go contain her.
Usidore stands up from his chair and his hands meet up with Metabeth’s head to grab her. He brings the head down to the table and paces the head on the table.
A: How are you feeling, Metabeth?
M:(sadly) I mean, I’m sobering up pretty quickly.
C: Yeah, and you went through the whole tingle stash all at once.
M: Yeah, was that really safe? It was my first time doing all that.
A: Well it’s not like you can overdose on it or anything.
M: I’m already dead, asshole.
A: That’s what I mean! I mean, realistically, what’s the worst thing that could happen as a ghost?
U: You can get addicted to it. It’s still a drug by the way.
C: I think my dad was in rehab for his tingle addition.
M: Yeah, why did you guys let me take so many at once?
A: Hey, when you say stuff here, foresight is 20/20.
C: Isn’t it hindsight?
A: Alright, 60/40.
U: You didn’t even change the term, just the number.
A: Oh, you know how bad I am at math.
U: Is that really the crux of the argument?
A: But hey, we still have a guest. Normally, we just ask how they spend their time in Foon, but since you already summed up your experience before the break, I guess we can ask about your life on Earth?
C: So is this technically an Earth Stuff Episode?
A: We already had an Earth Stuff Episode and we’re halfway through this one.
C: But it’s been decades since we did an Earth Stuff episode.
A: It’s more like years, not decades. What was the time I said in at the top of the podcast? It’s about that amount of time.
C: But we got a score to settle with the time between Earth Stuff episodes!
M: Are these just year puns now?
U: Oh, pointing out the theme of the banter. Such a millennial move.
M: Oh, OK Boomer. Wait, what’s a millennial here in the land of Foon?
U: Someone that lives within a single millennium. Easy enough. Now what’s a Boomer on Earth?
M: A crotchety, nasty old man that won’t let me do what I want.
U:(gasps) How DARE you!?!?
A: Alright, lets focus up again to the interview.
C: Arnie focusing us up?
U: That doesn’t seem right. Did you get a free sample from Ridalimb?
A: What’s that?
U: And he’s back.
C: Yup, no need to go back to the marketing for this.
U: Unless it’s for BETTER HELP!
A: Anyway, Metabeth
A: If it’s not too much trouble, can you tell us your life while you were alive?
C:(gasps) Arnie, you can’t just ask what people did when they were still alive?
U: So not fetch.
M: Shit, now I’m struggling with what today’s date is.
C: It’s October 3rd.
A: There’s got to be a limit to how many times we can get off track.
U: The limit does not exist, Arnold.
A: It’s Arnie.
M: I’m sorry, are we still doing this?
A: Oh right! So Metabeth.
A: What was your life like back on Earth?
M: Oh yeah, so I was born in New Jersey-
Arnie, Chunt, and Usidore give a collective groan.
M: You have a problem with Jersey, Ohio?
A: There’s just a bunch of jokes about New Jersey.
M: I’ve heard almost all of them.
A: That people live there to commute to the better states.
U: And the people are Orange and full of trash.
Arnie and Metabeth stare at Usidore.
U(CONT): Are we not talking about Old Jersey?
A: No, there’s a New Jersey on Earth, and probably an old Jersey.
C: Oh, and what’s Jersey like on Earth?
A and M: It’s about the same.
M: And to make fun of where you came from, I see why you left.
A: I don’t know what you mean. Just because the last place I lived on Earth was Chicago, doesn’t mean I don’t have fond memories of my home in Ohio.
M: Well most of the astronauts came from there and the left to get away.
A: They were astronauts! They left the entire Earth!
M: SO DID YOU!
U: She’s got a point.
C: Does she? I mean the whole thing seems forced.
U: That’s true.
A: Well, we can talk about something else-
C: No more Earth Stuff?
M: I mean, what do you need to know?
C: Why are all the adults on Earth tired of hangout out with their kids this year?
M: Jesus Christ. If I had control of my hand, I would palm myself on the forehead.
A: Then you could’ve had a V8.
U: And why are people trying to flatten the curb? Surely curves are supposed to have their peaks.
M: This might be where I have to pull the “I don’t want to talk about Earth stuff” card.
A: Then now that you’re dead, what are you gonna do next?
C: Is that your “What’s next?” version for other Earth people?
M: I think I’ll settle down by the city of fish.
A: The city of fish?
U: Like Fish City?
A: Fish City?
C: Fish City.
M: Yeah, keep going.
A: Fish City.
C:(giggles) Fish City
A: Fish City. Fish City. Fish City. Fish City. Fish City. Fish City. Fi-OH GOD DAMMIT!
M: Ah HA! Gotcha! Yeah, I don’t know what I want to do. Maybe I’ll do something I always wanted to do on Earth that now I have all the time for.
A: What’s that?
M: Screenwriting. Well I guess it would be play writing since you guys…don’t have movies.
C: Ooo any stories you have in mind?
M: That’s the thing, I’ve always been an outline person. Coming up with a compelling story is not really in my wheelhouse. Same with improv and causal, lighthearted conversations that last more than 30 minutes. I just write ideas and then never come back to them again.
U: I guess you do have all the time in the world to practice the craft.
M: Exactly! Although I did explore other options. Like there is an actual science community here. I have a rudimentary understanding of math and science, and sanitation, and hygiene that I could share with this world. Prevent diseases here common on Earth and the abundance of child death. So, so much child death.
A: Yes, so much child death.
M: But, you know, I just want to do entertainment.
U: Oh sweet child-
M: I’m in my mid 20s.
U: You can use your gifts that you have acquired here in Foon and develop the world closer to how it is on Earth. But with Magic! Is it really worth abandoning this knowledge? You have so much potential.
A: I’m from Earth, too.
U: Well, you have such little potential.
M: And I do have a plan when I’m here longer. I still need to grasp how to grasp things as a ghost. I plan to go to that science center, write down small tidbits of science on a piece of paper, put that paper in an envelope, and write down “magical revelations” on it. That should confuse the shit out of them.
Chunt finishes his drink loudly. A ghost of the drink starts to float up.
M(CONT): Oooooo can I drink that?
C: Yeah, go ahead, it’s a ghost after all.
Metabeth rushes to the ghost drink and tries to chug it like there’s no tomorrow.
A: Chug chu-oh she’s already finished.
M: I MISS BEER!!
U: Don’t get too overzealous about it or you’ll be forced to go to AA.
U: It is-uhhh-Ad-Adventurers in Abbeys.
C: Yeah, that’s when you go to an abbey drunk, find a pipe, and collect all the coins and mushrooms.
U: And you can’t return to the surface until you sober up.
A: Do you get to keep the coins and stuff?
C: Only if you make it back to the castle. You will have to start over if you trip or fall or get hit by a hammer.
U: Unless you ate one of the mushrooms beforehand.
A: And which castle would you have to return to?
C: I’m pretty sure it’s the castle with the peaches. Oh, and it has a flagpole you have to touch.
U: Try not to be on the adventure during the wintertime. I knew someone who got their tongue stuck on it.
A: Why would you use your tongue?
U: It wasn’t me. It was Chris.(sinisterly) I dared him to do it.
C: I know this. This is A Chris-Must Story I have to hear every year.
U: I tell it all day at Tavern Be Salty.
C: The TBS?
U: That’s the one.
C: Well, I know what I’m doing next Chris-must. Arnie, you should come with.
A: Well I would like to B-B with you, but I might shoot my eye out.
A: You better be practicing your ghost.
M: Sure, why not.
A: So guys, this would be the time that I would read out the emails sent to us. As always, you can reach me at [email protected]
, yes it’s a real email address. And you can continue to email all of us there, but right now I don’t have any emails to read out today.
A: Yeah, don’t read too much into why I don’t have any. Hopefully, we’ll have more emails to read next podcast.
C: Wow, you didn’t come prepared for a guest, you don’t have any emails, you ruined Boys Night-
U: Actually, Metabeth ruined Boys’ Night.
M: Still here by the way.
U: You heard me.
M: You wanna fight, mate?
U: What’s with the accent all of a sudden?
C: I think Metabeth is still on that tingle buzz.
A: Tingle. Not Even Once.
C: Well sure, mortals will die when they take it.
Chunt shuffles some papers around to find his emails.
C(CONT): Luckily for you guys, I have an email with me. You can email me at [email protected]
. That is Chunt with six T’s. You can also reach me at chuntttttt, also with six t’s, on Twitter.
U: And you can reach me on Twitter at usidoretheblue.
C: Okay, the email is from OP: “Hi Chunt, Arnie and Usidore. I started listening to you guys around the beginning of September 2020. I was the one that asked you to bring Clayton and Chris from Hell to be on the show.-“
U: Who are they?
C: Baby don’t know. I guess people from Hell she wants you to summon.
U: Well if they are evil, they will go back to the depths where they belong.
C: Alright, okay. Um: “I’m not sure when you read these emails, so I wanted to give a frame of reference…. besides the timestamp of the email, I guess. Anyway, around halfway of my binging of Season 2, I started to write a fan fiction script. Note: I am not a writer, this is still a #philthevoid type of amateur content, but I hope that when you read this, you’ll get a good chuckle on the overload of meta jokes and how much fans, even recent ones, appreciate what you do. Even if you can’t read any of this on the podcast, I’ll see if I can put the full form on reddit! Hopefully when you read this, I’ll be completely caught up to the whole series. I’m excited to see what you guys do next. All the Best, OP” And then there was a Bangin’ Buds attached, and oh boy, it’s a fucking novel.
A: Let me see?
Arnie takes the papers, including the script from Chunt.
A: Holy shit, how fucking long is this?
U: It seems to be the length of a standard podcast episode.
M: Or at least an attempt to be. One pages doesn’t necessarily equal one minute. Even during edits, you can’t really gauge how long scripts could be.
U: Spoken like a true novice of the art of writing.
A: Is there even a bit you can read off?
C: Well, I started to try to find something we can say, but the beginning is weird: “The Mysterious Man is alone in a control room that looks like a sci-fi server room from the Earth’s 1980s. He speaks into a similarly teched-out microphone. The Mysterious Man: The following podcast is not real. If it were real, it would most certainly not be dictated by a script written by a fan.” Like why include this “mysterious man” in the first place?
U: That is strange.
A: Well we do get some emails directed to him. I always thought that people were referring to another podcast but maybe she included that part so we don’t confuse it with a transcript of the podcast.
U and C: What’s a transcript?
A: Oh geez…um okay, it’s like if someone took our words and wrote everything down from start to finish.
C: Like every time I say “Baybee. Making Baybee. Nasty boi”?
A: Uh, yeah. If you said it would be written out for other people to read.
U: Wait, we do have that here in the land Foon, but you really think someone is listening to the words I speak at this very moment and writing each individual word?
A: Yeah, that’s how it works.
U: Waste of time, but okay.
Usidore creeps up to the podcast equipment as if to sneak up to the mic.
U(CONT): Dear listener on the other side of the microphone. I am not sure why you wish to write all that I speak, but do not be misguided FOR ONE SECOND that you can control me with your words. STOP. YOUR. RECORDING. STOP IT! I alone dictate my words and you cannot predict anything for you are, most likely, a powerless human with nothing special about you. I am a wizard of awesome power that CANNOT BE CONTAINED! For this magic you are performing, this Dark Magic, must not continue whist the Dark Lord ruins amuck in all dimensions. Try to stop me with these words. Pineapple. Storks. The ale filled with spiders. Dicks and Balls. Squizzle nugget. Moist. Dosodorph. Hungry, Egg shells
Usidore shifts his tone from his threatening voice to his sensual recipe reading voice.
U(CONT): Ham Sandwich. Slow dried Jerky. Deviled eggs, seasons with the most exquisite spices. Carefully laid on top of some crisp lettuce and carrots. Served cold with a side of rooster feet imported from Fingeria. And smothered wit-
Arnie snaps his fingers in front of Usidore.
A: Usidore! Usidoore!
C: I think he’s in the Recipe State again.
U: Uh UH AH! Ah, what was I saying?
A: I think it was just random nonsense.
U: Do you think the audience could follow that?
C: Usidore, we couldn’t even follow that if we tried.
U: Ah, good. Suck on that TRANSCRIPTOR!
M: OH, I almost forgot! Usidore! I have a secret name for you from Earth!
U: I would like to know one of these names.
M: The average human knows you as Matt Young.
U: I will add it to the list.
M: Just only use it when you want one less wall.
A: Alright, so Metabeth, thank you for being on the show.
M: Yeah, thanks for having me.
C: Maybe we’ll see you again and help you find your ghost arm.
M: Ehhhh, it might be a one-time deal. But hey, I’m always open for if you need me. Well….kinda. Maybe I’ll figure out this ghost thing first.
U: You should also find the Cockticklers to collaborate with them and train yourself to the art of playwriting.
M: Even I’m just a head, I can probably still be a good Cocktickler.
C: They could benefit from a good head.
U: Just try not to use too much teeth.
M: But I can still use my tongue, right?
A: Oh God Dammit.
The scene zooms out from the table. Mundel starts to play the outro, but static cuts in and shifts the scene back to the bunker. Different blips and bloops are played in the back and we focus on the Mysterious Man again in his broadcast room again.
MM: Well isn’t that a fan’s wet dream. Ugh, I’m so glad I don’t have to humor that dribble anymore. You can even tell that the script was just a random stream of thought. But then again, that makes it no different than the garbage made from the improv nonsense we’re all used to by now. Arnie Niekamp was played by Arnie Niekamp, because I don’t mention it enough that all of this is even faker than it usually is. Usidore the Wizard was played by Matt Young, who wasn’t sure any of his monologues was long enough. Chunt the Shapeshifting Badger was played by Adal Rifai, which the screenwriter had to look up to make sure his name was spelled right. It’s easy, it’s R-I-then you let google autofill the rest. Metabeth the Head Ghost was played by Special Guest OP. She wrote the entire script instead of studying for her licensing exam. Shame on you! She doesn’t really have any sharable social media in fear that she will fall back into depression when she sees all her friends are having fun without her. Podley is played by whoever wants it. And Chest Trunkborn was briefly played by Travis McElroy, in hopes we can get two snip bits from him. It also says the Mysterious Man is played by Tim Sniffen, but I play myself. Go back and fact check your actors. Produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal Rifai. Edited by No One since OP does not believe in the concept in proofreading. Theme music by Andy Poland. Logo by Allard Lamban. Whew. One fan script down, about hundreds more to go. Have any of these newbies taken an English Class in their life?
Static shifts to Mundel starts to play the outro music again.